Yeah, so it's 4am and I am dizzy and silly. I've watched about six episodes of Undeclared on YouTube. Can't sleep. Won't sleep. Got a coffee by my side. I know that sounds crazy. My sleeping hours have been appalling for such a long time, and I really need to shock myself out of the pattern of 9-or-10 hour snoozes that extend into the early moments of the afternoon. Except I have no good reason to. I rarely work mornings; I feel more productive and motivated at night. I dislike the cold of the morning - now that winter's on its way, when I manage to achieve full consciousness before 10am I still can't convince myself to get out of bed because I know how horrid it's going to be for those crucial thirty seconds between enjoying full bedcoverage and sealing myself into my jumper which is on the floor nearby.
Does anyone else hit the "off" button without thinking when their alarm sounds in the morning? Alarm clocks are designed so that "snooze" is prominent, and you're meant to have to make an effort to find the button that turns off the alarm properly. The assumption being that this would require you to be properly awake. Not me. My body has learned to kill the alarm without waking me up - how sweet, right? Don't tell me to set a backup alarm. I do. But it's a complex problem. All right, it's not a complex problem, it's about 90% to do with me completely failing to have self-discipline.
I just don't like mornings.
I don't usually stay up this late. For the past two weeks I've been sending myself to bed quite early in the hopes that I will feel refreshed and want to get up before noon. My findings? Bedsleepy is mmmgood. So yeah, tonight is a forgetitwhatsthepoint moment. I'll probably regret it... but what does it matter?
I should probably also mention that I've been withdrawing from my medication and today (yesterday... except I haven't slept) was the first day I went without it entirely. My body's been fine with the lowering doses but it wasn't ready to go without, hence the dizziness. I've been feeling pretty giddy for most of the evening, in a good, happy, giggly kind of way, and I'm not sure why, though I'm not complaining. Will go back to a mini-dose tomorrow. Nearly there.
Even when I go back to uni, there won't be any good reason to get up before noon. Almost all the classes they run for this course are evening classes. I tell myself I need a job, a job with morning starts. But would that help me fix myself? Or will it be more than I can handle - just a final, concrete piece of evidence that I am unable to change my ways?